The last 24 hours have been some of the scariest for me as a mom. As you read (if not see below), Rachel has been fussy for a few weeks. It had gotten worse on Friday and Saturday to the point that I couldn't get her to nurse much at all. She would stiffen up her body and scream/cry. On Sunday (yesterday) I got worried that she was going to be dehydrated. We called our doctor's emergency line and explained her symptoms to the nurse and she agreed that since she wasn't eating we should probably go to the ER.
So, we quickly packed up for what we thought would be a pretty easy trip to the ER, figuring they would say she had an ear infection, and they'd send us home with medicine and a huge holiday bill. However, we were in for much more than that.
They got us back into a room relatively quickly, which was great since I didn't want Rachel in an ER with contagious people. When the doctor looked at her, there was no ear infection or red throat...but Rachel still wouldn't eat and she started stiffening up and crying like she had been. The next thing I know the doctor is ordering all sorts of test and mentioning meningitis as a possible culprit.
Over the next 8 hours at the first ER Rachel had a lumbar puncture (to test spinal fluid for meningitis), belly xrays (to make sure nothing internal was twisted), catheter to check urine, blood drawn, and dye put in her eyes to make sure she didn't scratch her cornea. The initial blood work was inconclusive so she got the shots of antibiotics in case it was meningitis (the doctor explained how quickly it can attack and kill babies, which obviously scared me to tears) and then we waited. Finally at 1 am all the tests came back and were fine (except for mild dehydration & low oxygen levels in blood), but no answers...so they transferred us to another hospital with a pediatrics unit.
We arrived around 2 am and got Rachel settled in. The nurse said the doctor suspected acid reflux so her crib was elevated so she slept with her head up. She nursed better in the morning, and the doctor came to check on her. So, we are 99% sure it is GER, which you can read about here if you want more info. The mysery was that she never spits up (maybe 5 times in the 3 months), has never thrown up or had blood in her stool. http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gerdinfant/index.htm
She is started on medicine and we'll have to switch her sleeping position, nurse her in a different position, and keep her upright for 20 minutes after nursing...but otherwise she should be fine and outgrow it eventually. The good news is that she has nursed pretty well today and had wet diapers, so she isn't dehydrated. Her fussiness is already a little better as well!
So...with all that explained: here are a few things that ran through my mind.
1. Fear, and with that much praying and eventually surrender. It is scary to all of a sudden realize that my child's health isn't in my hands (and really never has been). I remember praying and asking God to make sure she would be okay...but there was one moment when I realized I also had to surrender my daughter to Him. I had to pray that God's will be done and I had to trust Him no matter what would happen. As I prayed and said, "but your will be done" I fought it because I was scared what that could mean...but peace soon followed as I realized that God would see us through whatever would come. I know by writing it, it seems like it was easy to pray that because she is fine...but trust me, it wasn't. I remember looking down at her and in my head I said, "Rachel if you are sick and you don't make it...these 3 months with you were worth the heartbreak and I am so glad I got to know you and love you". I am starting to tear up again as I think about losing her, even though I know now she is fine.
2. We are never promised tomorrow. I know that this is true, but after Rachel got her antibiotics and I was holding her I looked out our window into the hallway. A woman was sobbing, and a man walked over, put his arm on her and led her down the hallway. The man, and another couple were all somber and carrying coffee. Earlier we had heard "code blue" and saw an ambulance arrive, all the staff running towards the door, and Chris thought he saw a young child. I don't know exactly what happened, but my guess is that a life was lost that very night right down the hall from us. I may never get the look of that woman (my guess is the mother) out of my head, and even as I type my heart hurts for her and tears fill my eyes. Why did her child die and mine live? Why will she never have a Memorial Day weekend again where those memories don't pop in her head and she re-lives the pain and heartbreak that changed her life? I don't know. Yes, I do believe God is good and He is loving, and I know that pain and suffering is a result of the Fall and sin...but a huge part of me still wonders why...and I think I am okay with that.
Thanks for everyone who prayed for us (I was able to update twitter & facebook thru our phone) and for our sweet Rachel. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I could hold my baby girl and my big toddler boy and never want to let them go b/c I just want to protect them and make sure they never leave me, but I also know that I have to trust God and that they are a gift from Him. Sometimes being a mommy is really hard, but I know it is so worth it!
