The Lord is near to the brokenhearted...

Last night I was reading Psalm 34 and these three specific verses stood out to me:

1: I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

4-5: I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

I last posted as I reflected on some of the sad/difficult things of 2010 and I had meant to get to a post about all of the things I am thankful for (and there is much), but the last month has continued to be one full of tears.  I have found myself in a place where my faith is being tested, a place where the burdens of this life seem too much to bear, and quite frankly at times I have felt the presence of darkness closing in on me.  

In the midst of some personal difficulties that have been emotionally exhausting, the normal wear & tear of trying to figure out being a mom and being in ministry, and just "life," I have experienced loss.  About 2 1/2 weeks ago my uncle passed away suddenly.  I have many fond memories from my childhood of him, even though I haven't seen him much in the last few years because of the distance between Iowa and Arizona.  My heart is burdened especially for my cousin (his only daughter) who is pregnant with her first child.

This morning I came back from work to read a few emails.  There were three main people who needed prayer, and before I even had time to pray I got the news that one had passed away.  Derek Hotsinpiller (for anyone reading from Bridgeport, WV) was shot this morning.  He was a U.S. Marshall out doing his job, when an individual opened fire.  I played soccer for a few years with his older brother Dustin, and his mother Pam has been a great influence on me for Christ.  I still remember watching Pam's faith as she walked through the sudden death of her husband 8 years ago, and I just can't believe she will now bury her young son.  

Today is one of those days that I think I have to choose to turn to Jesus and rely on his strength to get through, because even the normal details (like taking care of my kids and figuring out dinner) almost seem like too much.  My heart is just so sad and I'm not even one of these dear people on the very front-line of loss (like my cousin, Pam or Dustin).   

I know that God's Word does not change and His character does not either.  I know that I can depend on Him no matter what, but the past few months (this month in particular) have been really draining and I am becoming more aware of my "wandering heart" and how easily I can doubt.  Still, I am thankful that as my faith is tested, it is also growing stronger.  My dependence on God is also strengthening my awareness of His presence in my life.  

"Eternal Oughtness"

Oughtness.
Instilled in us is a longing for the ideal world and perfect intimacy for which we were created. We sense that the evils of war and rape and death are alien to our existence. As Martin Luther King Jr. observed, we are confronted by an "eternal oughtness:" that the world is not as it ought to be, that unconditional love and perfect peace are forever elusive. (*"Backstory")

I've finally started to reflect on 2010, but even in the midst of so many blessings and much to be thankful for, my heart is burdened. This year has weighed heavy on my heart for so many reasons, and I think the biggest is the constant reminder of what a heartbreaking (sinful) world we live in.

Over the past few years I've started avoiding the news because most of the headliners have to do with things that make it nearly impossible for me to sleep at night. However, what I can't avoid is the deep pain that people close to me have experienced. I have seen first-hand the affects that adultery, divorce, depression, the loss of a child, the loss of parents and other family members/friends, disease, and hopelessness can do to the soul of a person.

I have seen tears, I have seen sleepless eyes, and I've seen hearts become calloused as a way to stop "feeling," because it seems like the only way to survive.

I have also seen hearts that might as well have knees and be bowing down in worship, except they aren't devoted to the One who is the Creator, but the things that are created (picture a golden calf that is worshipped as a god). There are many "good" things that we have in this life, but many of these New-Year's-Resolution-list-objects become our objects of affection and devotion (money, health, beauty, accomplishments, individuality, relationships, education). Soon our hobbies become the veins to our hearts, and we think that they are our source of life.

When I read the quote above it resonated with my heart because there have been many times this year I have thought, "Why? This isn't how it's supposed to be".  And in light of what has happened in Tucson this week, and the response of Westboro Baptist (which invokes in me the urge to throw up), I must remind myself of the following: "Look, your Savior is coming...In that day he will remove the cloud of gloom, the shadow of death that hangs over the earth.  He will swallow up death forever! The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears...The Lord has spoken!" (Isaiah 62:11; 25:7)


Though we all will experience pain (some more unimaginable than others), I am reminded of the HOPE we have in Jesus Christ. I am reminded that my heart too once turned away from God and was unfaithful to the Creator, but that through faith in Christ and what He has done on the cross (died as a ransom for MY sin, and then was resurrected as a sign that death has been conquered! Hallelujah!) I have been restored to the relationship I was created for.  

With sadness I reflect on this past year, but with joy I reflect on the peace I have in my heart and the future hope that "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.

*"Backstory" is a small book we use in ministry to help explain the full picture of what God is doing and how our own lives intersect with the greater "Backstory" going on. 

I do have a rather large list of things for which I am thankful, for which I know I am undeserving but the Lord has graciously given, and I hope to share these highlights of 2010 in the coming week.