My Whole30 Story

A few years ago I wrote this prayer in my Bible:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next. 

Amen 

I wrote it after my first counseling appointment. I had made the appointment a month prior when I felt at the end of knowing how to cope with anxiety, fear, and depression. Most of this stemming from health issues that seemed to have no answers and feeling alone as doctors disagreed or told me it was in my head. I wrote it after years of eating “healthy” foods (brown rice, whole grains, fruits and veggies) and running half marathons, lifting weights, and still looking in the mirror to see a bloated stomach and face without the scale budging.  

By the time my appointment arrived, I had developed a rash that had spread over my whole body that was painful and itchy. Though the good news was that it was not contagious, the doctor told me the bad news was that it could take weeks or months to go away and there was no cure, I just had to wait it out. 

Over the past five years I’ve struggled to find hope in these words, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.”

For me, doing a Whole30 is the Courage part of my story and my faith in God and His plan is my Serenity Story. 

I remember driving home from a conference in Colorado a few years ago. I had found out I had a rice and rye allergy and had eliminated those from my diet, which helped immensely with the fatigue and bloating. But I found myself still stuck with so much extra weight, struggling with my mental health, and wondering if this is just how my life would look. I wondered if I needed to accept this new reality and move on from hoping the doctors would find more answers.  As I cried in the front seat feeling hopeless it was then I decided I would do it. I would do a Whole30 and stick to it. I would stop making excuses and see if it would help. 

My first Whole30 I felt better, lost weight (even without working out much that month), and tried new foods, though I didn’t gain energy. I realized eggs might be a problem. So, the second Whole30 a few months later I eliminated eggs as well. This wasn’t easy at first, and it didn’t feel fair. If there is nothing else I’ve learned (though there is), it is that life isn’t fair. I tell my kids this all the time, but accepting it myself is not easy.  

I’ve slowly over the past year lost 20 pounds. I still have a ways to go. While I used to spend all my extra time and energy at the gym working out, I have refocused all of that on food and recipes and cooking. I’m finally in a place now where I feel like I can do both again, though I realize that I can spend hours at the gym, but if I don’t make these significant food changes I won’t see results or feel good internally.  

All of this brings me to why I did another Whole30 this January. I wasn’t planning on it because I travel so much for work in January, but then on Christmas Eve I found myself in a puddle of grief as I was having a miscarriage. Here I’d been doing research on how to eat Paleo while pregnant and was excited to focus fully on health and not losing weight, and in the blink of an eye plans change. It’s hard to believe this was just over a month ago. 

As I cried out to God, prayed, and turned to Him (though it was more like fighting with him than running to Him), I also tried to find something to comfort me. The only foods that sounded good were chocolate, ice cream, and bread (or things in this general category). I didn’t want to eat a carrot while I cried on the couch, I wanted a pint of ice cream.  I don’t feel guilty that this is what my week looked like.  But as I looked at my calendar and erased the pencilled in weeks I had written to keep track of my pregnancy, I realized I had a choice. “Courage to change the things I can.” I could do nothing and make decisions on the fly, or I could commit to my FB group of 99 people that I was doing another January Whole30. 

This wasn’t the January I wanted or had looked forward to, but it was the January being given to me. “Serenity to accept the things I can not change.”

I know what depression feels like, and I know that oftentimes it is out of my control. But I also know that the foods I put in my body drastically affect me. After my second Whole30 I was able to go off of my antidepressants and have been able to stay off of them. Though I know this will not be everybody's story and sometimes foods and diet won’t help with this so please no one reading this feel like I am saying I don’t advocate for medication to help with mental health because I do! 

I decided that if for one month, while I let my heart feel all the pain, I fed my body with healthy foods than maybe, just maybe I’d make it to February and be in a better place. 

I’ve made it to February, and I completed my JanuaryWhole30. I’m still grieving. I’m still asking Jesus to help comfort me and help me put one foot in front of the other each day, but I fully believe I’m in a much better place than I would’ve been had I not done a Whole30 this January.  “Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him, Forever and ever in the next.” 

So this is why for me, doing a Whole30 is the Courage part of my story and my faith in God and His plan is my Serenity Story. 

Wrestling with the Good and the Bad

I grew up playing soccer on a girls team. I was slow, awkward, and unconfident. Living in Wexford, Pennsylvania there were a lot of girls that played soccer. I was one little fish in a giant ocean of graceful, confident, talented little super stars…or at least that is how it felt. Then, at the awkward age of twelve (8th grade) I found out we were moving to Bridgeport, West Virginia.  

I can still remember my mom delicately telling me that there were no all-girls teams in Bridgeport and I would be trying out for a co-ed team. I could feel my palms start to sweat and my stomach churning. I wasn’t even that good on a girls team, how in the world would I compare on a co-ed team? Well, the truth is, it was a “co-ed” team because I was there. If I had not been there, it would have been an all-boys team. If it weren’t for one of the boys saying hi (he had just moved from out of state and did not find it odd that a girl would play soccer) I am not sure I would’ve made it onto the field. 

Thankfully I made the team and had an incredible first coach. He believed in me and began to see areas of strengths and fit me in positions that worked with that. There was something freeing in some ways being in a place where “people” (fans, opponents) didn’t seem to expect much out of me, but my coach and teammates did.  The guys on the team became like brothers (which quite honestly made it hard to make girl friends once we started school that fall), but I felt like they had my back and trusted me. 

By the start of High School I had the option of trying out for the boys JV team, or not playing. Three of us girls decided we would try out, and thankfully we made the team. “Thankfully” because we didn’t have to stop playing, but it was in many ways an awful experience. For the most part it wasn’t the other players, nor was it most of the parents, it was primarily our coach. I can not even count the number of sexist remarks our coach made throughout that year. He would yell at players and call them a bunch of p*ssies. He would tell them to stop kicking like a bunch of f*cking girls, and then he would have me take the kick (which was so weird and confusing). There were a few times he had me go in drills with some of the varsity boys, for no other reason except to let them know it was humiliating if I did anything good against them because I was a girl. The few times I boldly told him I did not appreciate the words he used or how he talked to me or the team, he would smirk and stare right in my eyes and tell me I could go start my own girls team if I couldn’t handle it with the big boys. Yes, a 30something year old man twice my size would look at me ice cold, and the next minute around the parents he would smile and pretend that he was kind and great. I won’t even go into details about some of the comments opposing players made about my body or other comments while I was defending them, or the parents who were appalled I would play because they thought I would get hurt, or knowing that one of my boyfriends parents didn’t seem to like me because I was a girl on the boys soccer team. 

My mom and I did go on to start a girls soccer team at our High School the following year. We realized there were a lot of girls that might play if they didn’t have to play under the conditions we just had to.  Our team comprised of a few girls who had played soccer, a majority of athletes from other sports, and a lot of girls who had never played a sport but wanted to try it out. The rest of this is for another time and place, but I am proud to say that the Bridgeport High School girls soccer team won the State Championship in 2012. I’m sure most of those women have no idea what it took to get a girls soccer team started, and that’s okay. 

So, what is my point?  

Every person on this planet has a story. Since we live in a fallen world full of sinful people, there is pain, abuse, loneliness, isolation, sexism, racism, and the list goes on and on. I would say in the grand scheme of life, my experience was so small compared to the hurt and injustice other women (and men) have experienced. However, that doesn’t mean that my story and pain didn’t happen or should be brushed aside. 

I understand why so many people marched yesterday. It just makes sense for so many reasons (my soccer experience being one of them) and I am proud of my girl and guy friends that did. I also think it makes sense why it seems so unfair for a pro-life organization to be pulled from being a sponsor (I am pro life). I think this is part of wrestling with the good and the bad. 

Hypocrite is a word I’ve seen thrown around a lot recently, and I totally 100% agree with it. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that every single one of us is a hypocrite. Haven’t we all lied or pretended to be something or someone that we aren’t all of the time? I know for me it is much easier to point my finger at someone else to show what they are doing or saying that is wrong than to take the time to investigate my own heart. Sometimes lately I feel like I am watching a bunch of toddlers saying “oh yeah, you think that about my person, let me tell you about your person.”  We want to view all people, all politics, all decisions through a lens of things or people being all good or all bad. I just don’t think it’s that simple. 

Here is my disclaimer: I do believe in absolute truth. I am a Christian. I do believe that our choices are either glorifying to God, or not. I believe that we all choose to follow Christ, or we reject Him. I do believe that the gospel (the good news) of Jesus is that out of his love, Christ died for our sins, He paid the penalty for our debt, and it is His grace (not our works) through which we are forgiven, have a relationship with God the Father, and are able to live a life of freedom (free from needing to live up to someone else’s standards, free from loneliness and despair, free from our sin). Following Jesus is not the easy life, but it is the best life, and the only route that leads to eternal life. Yes, my views are exclusive (in that I believe Jesus is the only way), but inclusive (in that not one of us deserves it or has earned it, and that anyone who believes can be saved). I get that just saying this will discredit many from listening to me. Being a Christian isn't just my "religion" it is more real about me than anything else. It is my identity, because in Christ I find who I am. 

The question remains, what do I do with this? How do I enter into discussions going on? Do I? I don’t have the answers. Can I be offended, but respond in love? How can I boldly proclaim the truth about Jesus, knowing it offends people, but do it also with compassion? What does it look like to not be silent, but not be aggressive? 

It seems like the more polarized we have become, the more “all good or all bad” we think people are, the more we are losing touch with the ability to connect with people different than ourselves. I am not an expert, I have so much to learn, in many ways I am such a hypocrite. 

Sometimes what I want is someone to listen without interrupting. I want someone to hear how I’m hurting and instead of telling me how it isn’t “that bad, “ encourage me to look on the bright side, or ignore me…I want someone to just simply say, “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Isn’t that what we all want?” I would imagine that the most loving thing I could learn to do is to listen to other people’s stories, learn to empathize, and apologize for any ways I personally (or “we” corporately) have hurt them. 

Thinking to the future, I pray that I would be able to boldly walk with Jesus, that He would enable to me to more fully live a life of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control. 

Christmas Mourning (12.25.16)

When I was a child I loved Christmas Eve. The anticipation of Santa visiting and presents was almost too much to handle. Tonight at church as we celebrated the birth of Jesus and people around me laughed and hugged and rejoiced, it was almost too much for my fragile heart. Tears streamed down my cheeks through the songs and scripture reading. My sweet 7 year old daughter held my hand and rubbed my arm. I told her she could stand and sing the songs with everyone else, but she told me, “No mom, I want to be with you.” I had debated all day about going, but I have been looking forward to Christmas Eve service for months and didn’t want to stay home. So instead I sat there and cried, controlled enough to not let it turn in to full on weeping and made it almost to the end. We left when everyone was going to come together and sing Joy to the World and light candles. This is usually my most favorite part. I truly believe that Christmas is a celebration of joy as the light of Christ has entered into our dark sinful world. The birth of Jesus is the greatest miracle, and Jesus is the answer to loneliness, despair, brokenness, sin, hatred, evil, and death…yes, even death.  

As it nears 1:00 a.m. on Christmas morning I am sitting here on my couch in darkness. I was laying in bed watching the clock change from Christmas Eve to Christmas morning and I couldn’t stop tossing or turning. My heart hurts. I have been so joyfully anticipating this Christmas morning as I imagined giving my kids one gift that they would not be expecting. One month ago I bought an extra stocking for the new baby I was expecting this summer. I had planned on writing my 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter letters about how God has heard their prayers over the past 7 years and He has answered them. I was so excited to tell them that they would be such a great big brother and sister. I was going to video them seeing the extra stocking and reading their letters, and that was how I would tell our families the great news. I have imagined this scene over and over, but never how it will play out in a few hours. After 7 years of waiting and praying, infertility, a chemical pregnancy, health issues, and surrendering what my heart desired, it had happened and been such a wonderful surprise. It seemed so sweet of the Lord to orchestrate a miracle baby and little by little I have let my heart get excited for the reality that a life, a precious new life is really in me. That was until yesterday afternoon when the doctor confirmed I am having a miscarriage. 

Besides my broken heart, a day of weeping and anger and wrestling it out with the Lord in a very raw and uncensored way, it isn't just the emotional pain keeping me up. When the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat at my ultrasound on the Eve of Christmas Eve, and I started bleeding, my blood work confirmed that this baby will not end with a sweet child in my arms, but in a miscarriage. She gave me the option of having a D&C on Christmas Eve or letting the baby naturally miscarry at home. I chose at home because I could not bear to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital having this procedure done, and so my body aches and is cramping. I have tried to fall asleep, but I have waves of pain. She said this could go on for over a week.

I go on Facebook and there are so many happy announcements about babies on the way, pregnant bellies, happy smiling faces, and it hurts. I am so happy for those friends and I am so very blessed by the two sweet kids I have, and there is so much to be thankful for, and yet there is something extra lonely about grieving in the early Christmas morning while the world seems to be rejoicing. I vacillate between feeling hopeful and at peace, thankful that I got to love a little baby if only for a short while, expectant to meet this child in heaven, and then moments of weeping and despair, anger at the Lord for what feels like a cruel joke and cruel timing. 

I have spent years letting go of my desire for more kids, convincing myself that I am so blessed already and focusing on all the benefits of my two kids being close in age, past the diapers and napping and sleepless nights. I have made mental lists of all the pros of being done with trying for a baby. This is how I’ve moved on. However, this past month I had begun to dream again and could imagine holding not just a baby, but MY baby. We talked about how to turn our front room into a bedroom, and I began thinking about my growing belly, and got so excited thinking about another baby shower. I could actually visualize my son and daughter holding a new baby and the smiles on their faces. August 1st seemed so far away, and yet so close. 

The doctor spoke to me about all the hopeful things about this pregnancy. She was sensitive and sad with me, but said it is really good my body can get pregnant. For years it wasn’t happening, and so she sees this as a very good thing. I suppose in a different scenario I would find some hope in this reality as well, but right now it just feels so empty. For the past few years we had come to a place where it seemed we were supposed to move on and not try for more kids. So what does all this mean now? Is the timing right again since we got pregnant? Do we try again for another child, or was this just pain and heartache to remind me of a desire I must re-surrender all over again? Can I trust the Lord to try again, or will it just end like this has ended? Can I trust the Lord to re-surrender if we don’t move forward with trying to get pregnant? 

These are the thoughts that are running through my mind as I’m having labor-like pains in what feels like a very surreal and dramatic ending to this pregnancy. Dramatic because while I sit here grieving the reality of death and loneliness, I know all those years ago Mary must have had a million thoughts running through her head with her labor pains. I imagine there was fear and loneliness and wondering “why me,” but also a very real sense of the Lord’s presence. Her pain ended with baby Jesus in her arms, but her role as a mother wasn’t without it’s own heartache and pain. 

Right now I’m praying I can hold onto the truths that I know in my head, and that when my heart stops bleeding I will rest in the intimate knowledge I have that my God is good, His plans are good, and that though I do not understand His ways, He is trustworthy. I’m okay that for now I’m angry and telling my heavenly Father about it. I’m okay that I don’t feel the need to pull myself up by my bootstraps or tell myself a bunch of fluffy “Christian” sayings, and I’m okay grieving and not comparing my pain to what others are feeling either to minimize my pain or others. Being angry and sad doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for all the Lord has done, nor does it mean that I am not aware of people around the world suffering immeasurably more painful realities this Christmas Eve than my own. However, as I sit here with my body cramping, my heart broken, and my dreams crushed, I’m also aware that in a few hours my kids will wake up and be excited to celebrate the birth of Jesus and open presents… and I will be exhausted, but I will be present even in my Christmas mourning. 

Do not fear the Heat

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."  (Jeremiah 17:7,8)

It's been a long time since I've posted on my blog. Maybe part of me keeps hoping this "season" will pass and one full of happiness and laughter will replace what has seemed like a very long season of mourning myself and grieving alongside friends who have tasted more of the bitter than the sweet this life has to offer.

Well, it's August 20th, which means a new school year for my kids (can't believe I have a kindergartener), a new semester at the University of Arizona with Cru reaching students with the gospel, a new chapter as our staff team has changed and my husband is now our director, and a new but familiar opportunity for me to trust in the Lord.

James 1:2 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." 

1 Peter 1:6 " In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 

One thing I have become keenly aware of over the past two years is that trials (of various kinds) are a guarantee for those who profess their faith in Christ. I have met so many godly people who suffer from chronic illness, many who have lost babies, children, siblings, and dear friends who have struggled with depression or anxiety.

What is so amazing about the gospel is that in the midst of horrendously painful earthly circumstances Jesus meets us and gives us hope. He offers us hope that this life is not the end. The pain we experience here on earth, be it short or long, be it physical or emotional....this is temporary (even when it feels like it will never end). I think in all of our hearts there is a chord that is struck that causes us to say "this isn't right, this isn't fair, why is life so hard." I agree. The gospel is good news because Jesus conquered death on the cross when he rose again. He paid the price for my sin, he literally took my penalty upon himself so that I could be set free from what I could never pay. The greatest gift in this life will never be health, wealth, beauty, it will never be fame or marriage or family. The greatest gift is that of which Jesus has already done. I don't have to work for it, or prove I deserve it (because I don't), I just have to accept it. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me."

I love that God is faithful even when I am not.  He never changes, even when my emotions or circumstances cause me to doubt or drift away. He is steady when life is not.  And this brings me to how the Lord continues to ask me to trust Him.

Do not fear when heat comes. For me the heat for the past few years has been my health (among other things I've mentioned in past posts). I won't get into all the details here, but I've felt like something isn't right. Nobody has been able to give me answers, leading me to think maybe it's just normal to feel fatigued and deal with the other symptoms. I've had moments of hope (diagnosed with H. Pylori and finished treatment; eating strictly to rid myself of Candida), but every time the symptoms come back.

Last week the new doctor I've been seeing went over more blood work that he ran, and this is the easiest way to sum up my 1 1/2 hour appointment to review the results: Autoimmune Disorder. Crohn's Disease. Scleroderma. 

These are the words that now seem to hang over my head. These are the categories that seem to make sense of what I've known is wrong, but couldn't figure out. This isn't an exact diagnosis yet, and so now I enter a time of waiting.

Do not be anxious in the year of drought. I suppose that waiting feels like a drought. Now I know that my blood work is saying something is wrong. There is some relief knowing that this isn't normal and my symptoms are real. But now I wait. I have appointments set up with specialists for further testing to see if we can get an accurate diagnosis, but these appointments take time and so I won't get in until the middle of November to the Rheumatologist.

Manna from Heaven please?!

While I am waiting for these other appointments, I need to get the inflammation that I've been feeling for years (and is now medically proven to be true) down so that my gut can heal and my body will start absorbing nutrients again. So, I have a 90 day strict diet I am supposed to adhere to (I will start in the beginning of September b/c I need time to figure out how I am going to do this).

For 90 days I am to stick to a strict diet that permanently eliminates the foods I am allergic to (Rice and Rye) and for the 90 days eliminates any foods my blood work has shown I am more sensitive to, which includes the following: Almond, Banana, Pinto Bean, Milk, Garlic, Ginger, Onions, Oregano, Peanut, Black Pepper, White Potato, Avocado, Sesame Seed, Wheat, green beans, kidney beans, eggs.

During these 90 days I also need to be careful with foods I am mildly sensitive to. I can eat these, but need to make sure it's not more than once every 3 days: Apple, Artichoke, Broccoli, Brussels Sprout, Cabbage, Carrot, Cauliflower, Celery, Blue Cheese, Chili Pepper, Cinnamon, Cloves, Chocolate, Crab, Grape, Grapefruit, Lemon, Mustard, Orange, Green Pea, Peach, Pear, Green Bell Pepper, Pineapple, Plum, Pork, Sage, Salmon, Soybean, Sole, Strawberry, Cane Sugar, Tea, Tomato, Watermelon, Bakers Yeast, Zucchini.

To add another punch to this plan, I need to try to keep my insulin even throughout the day, so any foods I am eating need to be lower on the glycemic index. If I can get the inflammation down that will help with the healing, no matter what diagnosis I eventually receive.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord." One thing the Lord continues to teach me is that when He calls me to something (be it Staff life with Cru or down this path of Medical Illness) I can trust Him. He goes before me, he provides grace when I need it (yes please, right now!). I do not have to fear or be anxious. He loves me and cares for me.  He is good, even if there is no earthly cure. He is faithful. I pray that I will be healed. I pray that the aches and pains won't be a normal part of my life.  But I think more importantly I pray that no matter what, my faith will grow stronger as I trust Him.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted...

Last night I was reading Psalm 34 and these three specific verses stood out to me:

1: I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

4-5: I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

I last posted as I reflected on some of the sad/difficult things of 2010 and I had meant to get to a post about all of the things I am thankful for (and there is much), but the last month has continued to be one full of tears.  I have found myself in a place where my faith is being tested, a place where the burdens of this life seem too much to bear, and quite frankly at times I have felt the presence of darkness closing in on me.  

In the midst of some personal difficulties that have been emotionally exhausting, the normal wear & tear of trying to figure out being a mom and being in ministry, and just "life," I have experienced loss.  About 2 1/2 weeks ago my uncle passed away suddenly.  I have many fond memories from my childhood of him, even though I haven't seen him much in the last few years because of the distance between Iowa and Arizona.  My heart is burdened especially for my cousin (his only daughter) who is pregnant with her first child.

This morning I came back from work to read a few emails.  There were three main people who needed prayer, and before I even had time to pray I got the news that one had passed away.  Derek Hotsinpiller (for anyone reading from Bridgeport, WV) was shot this morning.  He was a U.S. Marshall out doing his job, when an individual opened fire.  I played soccer for a few years with his older brother Dustin, and his mother Pam has been a great influence on me for Christ.  I still remember watching Pam's faith as she walked through the sudden death of her husband 8 years ago, and I just can't believe she will now bury her young son.  

Today is one of those days that I think I have to choose to turn to Jesus and rely on his strength to get through, because even the normal details (like taking care of my kids and figuring out dinner) almost seem like too much.  My heart is just so sad and I'm not even one of these dear people on the very front-line of loss (like my cousin, Pam or Dustin).   

I know that God's Word does not change and His character does not either.  I know that I can depend on Him no matter what, but the past few months (this month in particular) have been really draining and I am becoming more aware of my "wandering heart" and how easily I can doubt.  Still, I am thankful that as my faith is tested, it is also growing stronger.  My dependence on God is also strengthening my awareness of His presence in my life.  

"Eternal Oughtness"

Oughtness.
Instilled in us is a longing for the ideal world and perfect intimacy for which we were created. We sense that the evils of war and rape and death are alien to our existence. As Martin Luther King Jr. observed, we are confronted by an "eternal oughtness:" that the world is not as it ought to be, that unconditional love and perfect peace are forever elusive. (*"Backstory")

I've finally started to reflect on 2010, but even in the midst of so many blessings and much to be thankful for, my heart is burdened. This year has weighed heavy on my heart for so many reasons, and I think the biggest is the constant reminder of what a heartbreaking (sinful) world we live in.

Over the past few years I've started avoiding the news because most of the headliners have to do with things that make it nearly impossible for me to sleep at night. However, what I can't avoid is the deep pain that people close to me have experienced. I have seen first-hand the affects that adultery, divorce, depression, the loss of a child, the loss of parents and other family members/friends, disease, and hopelessness can do to the soul of a person.

I have seen tears, I have seen sleepless eyes, and I've seen hearts become calloused as a way to stop "feeling," because it seems like the only way to survive.

I have also seen hearts that might as well have knees and be bowing down in worship, except they aren't devoted to the One who is the Creator, but the things that are created (picture a golden calf that is worshipped as a god). There are many "good" things that we have in this life, but many of these New-Year's-Resolution-list-objects become our objects of affection and devotion (money, health, beauty, accomplishments, individuality, relationships, education). Soon our hobbies become the veins to our hearts, and we think that they are our source of life.

When I read the quote above it resonated with my heart because there have been many times this year I have thought, "Why? This isn't how it's supposed to be".  And in light of what has happened in Tucson this week, and the response of Westboro Baptist (which invokes in me the urge to throw up), I must remind myself of the following: "Look, your Savior is coming...In that day he will remove the cloud of gloom, the shadow of death that hangs over the earth.  He will swallow up death forever! The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears...The Lord has spoken!" (Isaiah 62:11; 25:7)


Though we all will experience pain (some more unimaginable than others), I am reminded of the HOPE we have in Jesus Christ. I am reminded that my heart too once turned away from God and was unfaithful to the Creator, but that through faith in Christ and what He has done on the cross (died as a ransom for MY sin, and then was resurrected as a sign that death has been conquered! Hallelujah!) I have been restored to the relationship I was created for.  

With sadness I reflect on this past year, but with joy I reflect on the peace I have in my heart and the future hope that "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.

*"Backstory" is a small book we use in ministry to help explain the full picture of what God is doing and how our own lives intersect with the greater "Backstory" going on. 

I do have a rather large list of things for which I am thankful, for which I know I am undeserving but the Lord has graciously given, and I hope to share these highlights of 2010 in the coming week.

How vast the Father's love for us

"How vast the Father's love for us..."

"It's not that I don't believe Jesus existed, it's more that he was a good guy that taught us good things.  He is one son of God, but not God's Son," said Mike as Charley and I sat on the cold grass in the middle of a small park in downtown San Diego.

"Mike," I responded "I don't believe that Jesus ever left it up to us to say that he was a good moral person. Either Jesus is who He says (that he could forgive sins because he was God), or he was a liar (which doesn't make him very moral), or he was a flat out lunatic."  I was thankful that God brought those words from CS Lewis to mind.  I saw Mike slowly begin to think more as our conversation continued on.

Over an hour later I couldn't help but be reminded of God's amazing love and grace.

You see, Mike has been homeless for 30 years.  He was sitting at the park where Charley and I met with 30 other UofA students to go out into San Diego to initiate spiritual conversations during our "Day of Faith."  Charley saw him on the way to our meeting location and offered him a sandwich he had bought for lunch.  God used Charley's heart for the homeless to bridge a gap that 15 minutes later allowed for a conversation to take place.  I truly believe that Mike could see Jesus right away in Charley.

Mike didn't decide to put his trust in Jesus, but I do believe that he is closer to making that decision.  At one point of the conversation as Mike mentioned how hard it is to let go of poor decisions he made years ago.  I looked at him and said, "Mike, you don't deserve forgiveness...............  But, I don't either.  The truth of the matter is that there is not one person on this planet who deserves what Christ has done, but He loves you so much that he offers it to you now.  You don't have to change before you come to Christ, He is meeting you right now and offering himself to you."

Charley shared part of his own testimony, or story about what God's done in his life.  He talked to Mike about the peace he has experienced in the midst of some really difficult and heart breaking situations.  I think this really resonated with Mike.  We didn't offer him a promise that if he came to know Jesus that all of his problems would be fixed (that he'd find a steady job, save money, get an apartment), but what we did offer him was hope and a joy that can't be taken away because of the forgiveness, restoration and relationship found in Christ.

When the conversation ended Mike thanked us both several times.  He told us that prior to this conversation he had been feeling really burdened, but now he felt like there was hope.  When he went to shake my hand I gave him a hug.  He really was a precious man and I feel like I saw before me a cold hardened heart begin to have some of the ice chipped away.

During our conversation I was struck several times with the overwhelming awareness of God's love for this man.  I couldn't help but see that God didn't make this conversation happen randomly as some sort of an afterthought, but that it was part of his plan all along...part of his intentional pursuit for Mike's heart.

I left also keenly aware of God's love towards me.  This was the first time in years I was able to go out on the Day of Faith, and God blessed me with this sweet conversation.

'The Lord is good and His love endures forever. Amen."

Life as a missionary

If you'd asked me years ago what my life would look like on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, I would've mentioned a lot about campus life. I would've pictured conversations with students, hanging out in the dorms, leading Bible studies, getting into spiritual conversations with students from various religious and spiritual (if any) backgrounds.  

What I probably wouldn't have pictured was the hotel rooms.  

When I mention hotels and traveling it sounds so...adventurous and luxurious. And I guess in many ways it is a big adventure.  I get to travel every summer to different locations (California, New Jersey, Florida and Colorado being some of the recent places).  This spring break I will get to help lead a group of college students to our partnership campus in the Dominican Republic.  I have many opportunities on staff to travel not only in the United States, but throughout the whole world.  And maybe someday (in years to come) it will feel more like how it sounds (fun).

However, with two small kids I must admit that the traveling is a bit exhausting.  Sitting in dark hotel rooms when the kids go to bed or are napping, rearranging the furniture in the room to figure out how to fit the kids mini travel tents in the room, but far enough apart (if that's an option) so they don't wake each other up when they cough (because they are always somehow sick when we're on the road), and the hours in the car sometimes all just about push me over the edge of sanity.  

In the midst of a tough night (feeling disconnected from the actual conference going on, dealing with short naps and disobedient kids) I have to remember the bigger picture.  The bigger picture is what God is doing in the hearts and lives of real people around me, and through the ministry that I'm privileged to be a part of.  Right now there are hundreds of college students in the large ballroom hearing a speaker that God could use to literally change their life.  There are thousands of college students in different locations across the US experiencing the same thing. 

What makes it all worth it?  The gospel of Jesus Christ. The fact that Jesus not only died on the cross, but that he was resurrected.  He conquered death so that we may truly live! Christ's love, forgiveness and grace is not at all what I deserve, and yet He has given it to me through His blood on the cross.  My life as a missionary and all the dark hotel rooms in between the thousands of miles we travel are all worth it because other people get to know the Jesus that I know!

Loving myself some ricotta

Three reasons I love ricotta:

1. Lasagna
Enough said.

2. Pizza
I like to mix a little ricotta with the sauce when I make homemade pizza. It adds a richness and gives it a special sort of "umph" (trust me, you'll see what I mean).

3. Muffins
I had leftover ricotta that I didn't want to waste. In my oven (right now) are some ricotta orange berry muffins. Here is the recipe I found online from a blog called Not Just Baby Brain for What's for Breakfast-Blueberry Ricotta Muffins.  She got the recipe from this blog called Italialicious (and I think I will be looking at more of his recipes in the future).

*If I had all of the ingredients I would've done it as originally posted, but I didn't.
Here are the substitutions I made:
1. I didn't have any lemons so I just used the zest from one orange
2. I didn't have orange blossom water so I used about 1 tsp. of fresh orange juice & 1 tsp. vanilla
3. I didn't have fresh or frozen blueberries by themselves, but I did have a mixed frozen fruit bag (cherries, blueberries & blackberries) so I just chopped up the frozen berries & added them to the batter



Time elapse: 5 minutes

I just tasted them and I have one word: YUM!

Thankful

I am thankful for these silly, mischievous, sweet, funny, little faces!

(Rachel reading the paper)

(Logan and his cousin Max. This was nothing but trouble...okay, maybe some fun too!)

Keep on Running

I decided three weeks ago to run a half marathon that is in two weeks. Since I've run a half and full marathon before it's not quite as intimidating as it was the first go-around. Last weekend I ran 10 miles and my hope is to run 14 miles today.  I know that 14 miles is further than a half marathon, but I'm hoping to get my muscles used to the distance this weekend so I can run faster on race day.  


I think the hardest part about running is the mental part.  The times I tell myself "you can run further" it seems my body buckles up and gets it done.  I've got to admit that it's hard to keep a positive attitude when all I want to do is stop running. Thoughts like, "you can just stop, no one will know" or "no, you can't do it!" seem to creep up quietly unnoticed and then loudly yell in my ear over and over until I begin to believe it. 


Isn't this the same with sin? I doubt many people wake up in the morning excited and ready to sin (whether it be yelling at their kids or husband, to gossip about someone, or even look at something that will cause them to think things that aren't pure). Oftentimes it starts out kind of sneaky and quiet.  However, if it's left untreated it becomes a roaring lion and it has taken over control. 


Anyway, I'm realizing the more aware I become of the thought patterns in my life, be it on the treadmill for hours or when I look in the mirror at my reflection, the more I can recognize thoughts that honor the Lord and thoughts that send me down a path I don't really want to go.  


Philipans 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.


Okay, time to stop stalling and get stretching because I've got some pavement (or treadmill) to hit! 

Getting them to smile is just as hard as picking the perfect card!

I'm going to admit that getting a decent family picture for a Christmas card is not easy work.  However, I'm not sure if it's more difficult than deciding which Christmas card to order. I started looking on Shutterfly months before Christmas, and yet here I am on Thanksgiving needing to order a card ASAP, but can't decide what to do.  

I love the idea of a flat card that is simple and classic. I love this partially because some of our family like having a more recent picture to hang up, but this way it's not too Christmas-y.  Then again I would love to have a folded Christmas card with a more personal greeting on the inside.  In the past we've done some of the chocolate brown and maroon themed ones and I've liked those, but wondering if I want to do less of the "card" part and more of the picture part (if that makes sense).

As you can tell, it's hard to decide!  I did post a few of my favorites below with the links to the cards.  Now that I look it over again I realize I am leaning towards something more simple.  Let me know what you think, or if you find one here you think would be even better!  

If you click on this link it will take you to all the holiday cards and you'll see my option dilemma. http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

Here are some simple ones that I like (BTW: that's not us in case you were wondering):

In the meantime I can't help but think a wall calendar like this http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars would help me remember everyone's birthdays and I could put all the pictures that didn't fit on our Christmas card on our calendar!  

Also, since I'm thinking about Christmas gifts (and no I can't handle the crowds on a normal shopping day, so I'm not about to go out tomorrow for Black Friday) I wonder if the grandparents would like a mug with their grandkids on it? It's so much classier then the plastic ones we used to color in and give as gifts when we were growing up! http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

Anyway, there are my Christmas card & other gift thoughts for the day! 

My Birthday Boy

I love my son. It is amazing to think back over the past 4 years and how much our life has changed because of this one little guy. I remember being slightly shocked realizing we could be pregnant. Sure we'd been married over a year, but this wasn't my "plan." Well, I am SO THANKFUL it was God's plan. Since it's my little boy's 4th birthday (although little man might be more accurate), I wanted to blog about some of the top four character traits I love about Logan.

1. Loving. Logan has this really sweet presence about him. He genuinely loves other people, and I can honestly say I can't recall a time he has ever spoken poorly or meanly about anyone (besides the occasional tattling on his little sister, but even then it's not "mean," just annoyed). We had a run-in with a bully last year, and he couldn't understand why anyone would want to be mean. It just did not make any sense to Logan why or how someone could be cruel.

2. Joyful. I love watching Logan's face light up when he sees his friends, or finds out we're having pizza (his favorite...along with tortillas, grapes, grilled cheese, cookies...), or hears we're going to have family time. Overall he is a very joyful boy, and it seems to be contagious to the other people he is around.

3. Empathetic. I often catch Logan studying my face or the faces of people in books or on shows. If he doesn't understand what someone is thinking or feeling he will say, "Mom, what does that face mean?" Times when I've been sad, his face will drop and he'll ask why I'm sad. He is a very perceptive little boy and I think this is a gift he has.

4. Forgiving. There have been many times over the past 4 years that I have lost my patience and not responded to my little boy in a loving and godly way. There have also, not surprisingly, been many occasions I have had to apologize to him and confess my harshness or frustration. Before I can even get to the "will you forgive me" part of my apology my son looks at me, smiles and says, "It's okay mom, I forgive you! And don't worry, Jesus forgives you too...that's why he died for you...for when you do bad things." Then, as though I have never been impatient or harsh, he smiles, hugs me and it's like he has totally forgotten about all my faults.  I have a lot to learn from my son in this area!

Creative Baking

I bought two books for my birthday Bakerella's Cake Pops & Cookie Craft.

I'm looking forward to more creative baking in the days to come! Here are two projects I worked on last month.


Bridal Shower Centerpieces:
Used Mod Podge and paper to decorate plain clay pots & styrofoam balls to hold the cake pops in place.  Hard to see in this picture, but they are red velvet in the inside, and are dark green with light green edible glitter on the outside, covered in plastic, and tied with a bow.

CRU-kies (CRU cookies):
I made 75 of these to advertise our freshman dinner. They were individually wrapped and handed out at our weekly meeting. They were sugar cookies with red food coloring in the dough, and then white or black frosting (I had to use a lot of food coloring so they didn't look gray).

Veggies with Spunk

We eat vegetables.  I said it, and it's true.  Not only do we eat them, but we generally like them.  However, sometimes we get a little bored from eating the same things over and over.  

Here's a glimpse at our grocery list each week for vegetables: broccoli, asparagus, sweet potatoes, green beans, green & red leave lettuce, mushrooms, red peppers, tomatoes, beets, carrots, jicama

Here are two new recipes I made this week, both of which I  thought were delicious enough to share.

1.  Butternut Squash Fries:  we've been making sweet potato fries (the healthy way) for a few years, but these were a nice change.  Surprisingly they tasted "more" like regular fries.  Seriously yummy.

2. Roasted Cauliflower: looking forward to making more next week. To this recipe I added garlic (I didn't use a garlic press, I just took off the outside and roughly chopped up). There are A LOT of roasted cauliflower recipes online.

Another staple in our lives are roasted beets. We generally put them on salads, but I like eating them plain too.  They are a little messy, but pretty easy. In the beginning of the week I just make 4-6 at a time, cut up, and store in the refrigerator so they're ready when we need them.  

How To: peel, cut off ends, prick with a fork (like you would a potato), wrap in foil, place on cookie sheet and cook at 425 for about an hour. I let them sit in the foil after they're out of the oven for 15-30 minutes (they keep steaming, which you may or may not need depending on their size). Then I cut them up into smaller bite-sized pieces before storing in the refrigerator.  

Vegetables I'd like to start using more: eggplant & pumpkin.  The only problem is that vegetables and fruit are so expensive so we try to buy what's on sale.  Maybe they'll both be on sale soon!

If you have any creative ways to cook vegetables, please don't hesitate to share with me!!!!  

Parenting & the Gospel

Let's face it, parenting is tough!

By the looks of this picture I'd say being a baby is tough too.

There have been a lot of times lately I've felt completely overwhelmed. I don't know if you've seen or remember the movie Groundhog Day, but I feel like I'm stuck in the same day that just keeps repeating itself. When the alarm clock goes off (aka: the sound of Logan yelling, "Mommy I need to go potty"), I sadly find myself looking forward to the next stage (when Logan can get up without yelling, take care of Rachel, and then around 10am bring us a nice breakfast in bed) instead of embracing the one I'm in.

However, there is a huge part of me that wants to have more children some day. What does this mean (besides the fact that I might be a little crazy)? Children are a HUGE blessing and a gift from the Lord (I mean just look at those cute faces). Even at the end of a tough day there is something about looking in at the kids sound asleep and thinking I wish I could just hold them and never let them go because in many ways they are growing up too fast! Yes, I know I contradict myself. I'm really quite indecisive when it comes to wanting the kids to stay little forever and wanting them to grow up yesterday.

This summer I was able to spend time with some godly staff moms that I deeply respect. There was something noticeably different (and great) about how they lived out and communicated the gospel to their children. It's encouraged me to really seek the Word as I figure out this whole parenting thing. I've found some great resources that have also been helpful: "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp, Gospel Centered Parenting (a sermon podcast 2 part series by CJ Mahaney), and "How People Change" by Timothy Lane & Paul Tripp.

Our reactions to our circumstances have consequences. Our responses, whether godly or ungodly, help create a new set of circumstances to deal with. If I get irritated with my son when he doesn't do what I say, I create a new set of circumstances. When I sin, I make the problem worse, even if my son obeys me. When I respond in godly ways, it doesn't guarantee that my son will respond as I would like, but it does ensure that I am not a hindrance to the work of God in his life. (from How People Change)

I have a lot to learn, but I am thankful for the power of the gospel that is changing me. I don't need my kids to see a perfect mom (since I'm not). I don't want them to see a mom who tries to be perfect either. Instead I pray that they'll see a mom who knows she needs a savior, a mom who is willing to confess her sin, say she's sorry, and ask for forgiveness (yes, even from a one year old). I pray that they'll notice a change in my character over the years as God transforms my heart. I pray that they too will see how much they need Jesus in their lives.

Logan and Rachel were running around playing the other day when he looked at me and said, "Mom, we're on the same team! We're both superheros!" I pray that they will both see Jesus as their ultimate hero and savior and that they will spur one another on towards godliness.

Toddler Theology

We have one children's Bible and the story of Jonah basically starts like this:

God told Jonah to go to Nineveh to tell the people, "Stop doing bad things."

The following excerpt is from the Jesus Storybook Bible

God had a job for Jonah. But Jonah didn't want it. "Go to Nineveh," God said, "and tell your worst enemies that I love them."

"No!" said Jonah. "Those are bad people doing bad things!"

"Exactly," said God. "They have run far away from me. But I can't stop loving them. I will give them a new start. I will forgive them."

This summer we have the opportunity to have many spiritual conversations on the boardwalk in Ocean City. When I think about how Christians are often portrayed on television shows (Freeks and Geeks is one that most people didn't watch, but is a classic example) it reminds me how often we are seen as people who just "stop doing bad things" (aka: follow this list of do's and don'ts & try harder to become a better person).

I had read the first toddler Bible to Logan many times and didn't realize until the other night exactly what was wrong with the theology. As I read the Jesus Storybook Bible out loud to Logan and read the above part, Logan responded by saying "God loves me and you love me too mom!"

Christianity is about a relationship with a loving God. What hope would there be if we were told simply to "stop doing bad things"? Maybe I could manage my sin for some time, maybe I could overcome some things by positive thinking, setting up a three step plan, avoiding certain situations...but simply by trying to be a better person my heart would not be changed nor would I be forgiven for my past sins or present mistakes.

Hope comes when I meet the Savior, the person of Christ. Hope comes when I realize that He can forgive my sins and give me a new start, and He can transform who I am.

The Jesus Storybook Bible goes on to say (when Jonah eventually went to Nineveh):

"Even though you've run far from God, he can't stop loving you," Jonah told them. "Run to him! So he can forgive you."

The people of Nineveh listened to Jonah, and they started loving God. They learned to do what God said and to stop running away from him--just like Jonah.

Many years later, God was going to send another Messenger with the same wonderful message. Like Jonah, he would spend three days in utter darkness.

But this Messenger would be God's own Son. He would be called "The Word" because he himself would be God's Message. God's Message translated into our own language. Everything God wanted to say to the whole world--in a Person.

It's amazing how closely I need to pay attention to what I'm reading to Logan when it comes to learning about God. Even many children's Bibles don't seem to have their theology straight and start teaching kids about religion and how to act, instead of about the most important relationship that they could ever have with the only one who is capable of forgiving them for when they do mess up (which is inevitable...have you spent time with a toddler recently?), and helping to change them at a heart level.

Our sandbox

Living so close to the beach brings back memories of living in Pismo Beach. Sigh.

This week is student orientation, so I'm trying to figure out how to keep the kids occupied and happy since they won't see Chris as much. I made pancakes for breakfast and we were out the door by 9:30 to go to our big sandbox. Here are a few pictures. Should've gotten one of me carrying Rachel in the ergo in the front (baby carrier), backpack on my back, bag of sand toys in my right hand, and Logan in my left hand. I'm sure it was hilarious since I kept having people smile/laugh at me the few blocks we had to walk.

Overflow of our hearts

As I've noticed Logan misbehaving a lot the past few days (we've been in Ocean City for 5 days, so he's dealing with transition) it's made me think about how I act/react to situations in life. It's easy for me to get frustrated and mad at his behavior and want him to quickly just "shape up", but I am (finally) realizing more and more that I need to address his heart and what's really going on. Fear, embarrassment, anger, exhaustion: I need to get to the root of his behavior.

I want to become a mom who knows my kids and can help draw out their hearts, but honestly it's hard to know how to do that. I know that God is so patient with me. I've been studying Ephesians and for some reason chapter 1:7,8 keep resonating with me: "In Him (Christ) we have redemption (means to buy or purchase something) through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavishes on us." I think the word LAVISHES every time just stands out to me. It doesn't say that he sprinkles a little grace here and there, but that he lavishes his grace on us.

I desire to raise our children in a house where they don't just see us out talking about the gospel, but it is a gospel that rings true in our hearts and is lived out in our household. The last thing I want is to talk about the cross and the relationship God wants with us through what Jesus did on the cross...but then succumbing to "religion" when it comes to behavior and discipline.

As a staff team (there are about 40 of us) we've been sharing our testimonies (stories about how/when we came to know Christ) and it has struck me how many of us grew up in "religious" homes, but didn't know the gospel. Many of us come from performance driven homes with performance-driven faith (you must do, act, be a certain way to win God's favor) instead of the saving faith described in Ephesians 2:8 "for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God".

I pray that I will continue to be convicted of my own sin and led to repentance. There is no way I can ever be the perfect model because that will always only be Jesus. What I can do is lead my children in humility (let them see me when I mess up, see how I confess that, and ask the Holy Spirit to make me be the kind of person He wants me to be), ask God to help give me a spirit of patience and grace with them, and learn how to ask questions that won't just focus on the behavior, but what's behind the behavior.

After a really hard day yesterday (Logan tends to act up by asking for food for meals and then refusing to eat. It took him 2 1/2 hours to eat half of a quesadilla) I missed our staff time and stayed home with the kids. After getting Rachel to bed I spent extra time reading to Logan, singing him songs before bed and talking to him about his day. I did the best I could to explain to him that there will always be consequences for our sin or for the bad things we do (which he followed by saying, "yes, everybody makes mistakes and that's why Jesus died for us") but that I don't want him to just say he's sorry so he can get back to playing but I want to know why he acted up. I told him that he can tell me if he is sad, scared, tired, or whatever he's feeling. We hugged and I prayed for him (which he repeated the prayer as I was saying it, which was really cute).

It's hard figuring out how to talk with a 3 1/2 year old, partly because he may not know why he's acting the way he is (God knows there are many times I can't figure out why I act the way I do), but it is worth it to keep pursing my kids. I am so thankful that God has pursued and continues to pursue me.